Surrender. It is the advice I now give new moms. Surrender to this experience. Don't fight it, you can not win if you do. The only way to come out on top as a mom is to surrender. It's not a giving-up, it's a giving-in. It's not a hopeless surrender, it's a hopeful surrender. It's about knowing that you will never be the same and that's not a bad thing. It's about accepting that you now have another person in your life who, for a while at least, depends on you for EVERYTHING... and that is a gift, not an inconvenience.
Ya know, there are lots of "experts" and opinions out there that are all ready to tell you different things when you become a mom. Some of those things are told to you by friends and family. Some you read yourself. Some are just the way our American society pushes you to accept or do certain things. None, however, can or should override your God-given, primal instincts as a mother.
Unfortunately, sometimes it's hard to differentiate between what's going on inside your head and what's going on inside your heart. This is also true of our spiritual walk. We try to follow where we think God is leading but, sometimes our soul is all mixed-up and confused because of the way we were programmed to see things via personality, circumstances or "facts". We try to wade through our emotions, our desires, our fears, our hopes, sometimes only to become more confused than when we started.
I believe though, that God created us. And not only that, but He somehow made us in HIS image, His likeness, His... grace. This means that we have to look to Him, we have to know Him, in order to fully know ourselves. Interesting. So, when my 7 month old is fussy and won't sleep I shouldn't look to myself for how to handle him (because sometimes my body just wants to run away, which is obviously not the right choice) but, I should look to God? Hmm... yes. If God is love and I want to love my son, should I not tap the source of love to find out what love looks like? Love is... patient, kind... doesn't keep record of wrongs... Love does not seek its own...
So, loving my son would mean that I don't do what I want for any of the various reasons that I want to do it but, it means doing what is best for him whether I want to or not. This brings me back to surrendering. If I can surrender to being Will's mom it eliminates the frustration that can sometimes come. For instance, when William outgrew the newborn stage and really needed a consistent bedtime to be happy I had to surrender my ability to go out of the house after 530pm. This was not easy at first. I had to choose my son's needs over my desires. After I did that I was happy and content knowing that Will was taken care of and well rested. I'm sure there will be many new stages where I will again have to make a similar choice.
Take last night, for example. William did not sleep well. As a matter of fact, he would not sleep at all until I surrendered to offering my warmth and comfort as his mother. It wasn't until I moved him into bed with me and nursed him to sleep (again) that he was able to settle in to rest. At first, for what seemed like forever, I was frustrated because I was tired and he wasn't cooperating. I tried all the things that would have normally worked, but they did not work. I had an "ah-ha" moment, though, as his little fingers were holding my hand... a smile came across my face as I took a moment to enjoy this sweet boy and my ability to soothe him. It was only then, as I realized the gift that is my son will not always be so small and so needy. He will someday be taller than me and stronger. He will have problems that I can not solve and hurts that I can not heal. Being able to help him now, why would I withhold my comfort? I wasn't getting any rest by holding out. The only way for us both to get rest and be at peace was to snuggle-in and sleep close. Really, who could ask for more?
Who else in your life can you offer comfort to like that? No one. Not your friends, not your spouse. Adults are complicated. Babies are simple. Love them and they will love you. Love them and they will (eventually, someday, in their own time) sleep. Love them and they will learn to love others. You can not spoil a baby. Never, ever, believe someone who tells you otherwise. Babies, until they are at least 7-9mo, do not know how to "work the system". They can not manipulate you. They are not trying to make to you miserable. Only you can do that. And even when they are "older" and maybe they are trying to learn how to get your attention and maybe even get what they want, they are still just learning and they should be met with much patience and grace. It's all still just trial and error. Remember, that are not jaded adults. They have not been in this world for long. Everything they learn, you teach them. So teach them well. We have to be examples of love (which, remember, doesn't always mean giving what they want, or what you want) and this leads us back to depending on the God that made us, knows us, loves... me... loves you...
I believe that we, as Americans, expect way too much from our babies and children. It was only 7 months ago that William was all nice and tucked inside my body where he was warm and safe and I handled all of the worries and issues of the world for him. Somehow when babies are born it doesn't take long before we expect them to sleep in a dark room all by themselves, sleep as long (or longer) than the adults in the house, be friendly to strangers, be bombarded by the onslaught of family and visitors and like it, eat only when we say they should... the list goes on. Where on earth did we get these ridiculous ideas!? When a baby is born, a mother whose instincts are protected and encouraged will do nothing but nurse and sleep with her baby, she will wrap baby up close and protect him/her from the busy world until they are slowly able to adjust. It is our own selfish ways that drag babies all over the place and frustrate and overtire them. Overtired and overstimulated babies are not happy babies. From birth to 2 years of age our children are imprinted by everything. That span of time tells them a lot about life and whether they do or don't have a safe place at home and a sense of belonging can develop.
I don't claim to have it all put together but, I do have something to shoot for. A child who is cherished and protected early on will eventually be more confident and loving to others because of the example you gave as a parent. I know that each child is different and has unique personality and learning style but, that is not what I'm talking about. I'm only addressing the universal need for a call back to our God-given purpose as parents to nurture and love our children in a way that seems to be more rare these days. You will never regret an extra snuggle or an hour of lost sleep due to loving your baby into rest or comfort. I only ever hear the lament of "Oh how I wish I could hold him in my arms again", or "I miss those days where she would sleep in my lap." Every hug missed or snuggle rejected because you are tired or busy... those are the regrets we will have.
If you want to read more about this style of parenting, (other than getting with God about it) Dr. Sears wrote a book called "Attachment Parenting" and it gives more scientific evidence and practical examples.
